Show Don't Tell Me, Mentor Text

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Howdy, Campers ~ happy Poetry Friday!  (my poem and the link to P.F. and are below.)

And the winner of our latest give away--Laurie Wallmark's book, Hedy Lamarr's Double Life: Hollywood Legend and Brilliant Inventor--is....Katie G!  Katie, a loyal subscriber, also won a TeachingAuthors giveway in 2013. Moral: it pays to hang out in the TeachingAuthors' tree house!

And speaking of the TeachingAuthors' tree house, these days we're up here drinking hot cocoa and sharing how we use Mentor Texts.

Carmela starts us off by defining what mentor text is and more; Bobbi's post talks about what 54 TV years of Doctor Who can teach us; and Mary Ann shows us the ways in which she systematically studied picture books (and found love...sort of).

In all my classes I use mentor texts. Show, Don't Tell is the first thing I teach. Even if a student is a published novelist, a renown screenwriter, or a seasoned journalist, it never hurts to be reminded of what Anton Chekov means when he writes: "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."  

image from Pixabay.com by Dana Tentis

In one exercise (created by my son when he was in elementary school), volunteers act out something in silence and their classmates guess what they are trying to convey. We discuss: how did they know the dog was happy, the child was having a tantrum, or the woman was old?  They showed us, they didn't tell us, of course.

The first book I read to introduce Show, Don't Tell is Barbara Shook Hazen's masterful and moving picture book illustrated by the brilliant Trina Schart Hyman, TIGHT TIMES (Viking Press, 1979).

I wish I could put this book in your hands, but I can't, so I'll give you an example of how Hazen shows, rather than tells:

When the child narrator asks why he can't have a dog, his father explains,
"Because of tight times" and continues:

"He said tight times are when everything keep going up.

I had a balloon that did that once.

Daddy said tight times are why we all eat Mr. Bulk instead of cereals in little boxes.

I like little boxes better.

Daddy said tight times are why we went to the sprinkler last summer instead of the lake.

I like the lake better."

I just typed the text of this book. It's astonishing what Hazen does in just 694 words. This book was published at a time it was perfectly acceptable to turn in a picture book manuscript of 1200 words or more!

And having typed this text, I can feel in my fingers that one of the picture books I am working on needs more showing, less telling!

* * *

A month before my mother, a classical pianist, died, I couldn't tell you what I was already missing...I had to show it:

WHERE IS MY MOTHER?
by April Halprin Wayland

Quietly she cries,

“Mama, Mama…”

Eyes half-closed,

she lies blanketed in grief.

Where is my mother:

whirling dervish,

spark of light,

moving, always moving,

striking a match,

setting piano keys on fire?

poem (c)2019 April Halprin Wayland. All rights reserved.

Okay, Campers...do you have favorite picture book that demonstrates Show, Don't Tell?  I'd love to know what it is!

Spread the word: on April 13, 2019 from 9:30 am-4:30 pm, author/illustrator Barney Saltzberg, fiction and nonfiction picture book author Alexis O'Neill and I are reprising our one day class at UCLA, Writing a Picture Book and Getting it Published. Join us!

Thank you, Catherine, for hosting Poetry Friday today at Reading to the Core ~

posted with love by April Halprin Wayland, with help from Mateo, our latest monarch butterfly caterpillar, who is currently looking for a place on our kitchen wall to build his chrysalis. 

Mateo, named after a character in this book

Did you know that monarch butterflies are endangered...and that you can help by raising them?  Just ask beloved TeachingAuthor emeritus, JoAnn Early Macken; click here  for the monarch resources on her website.

Wednesday Writing Workout: Let the Showing Begin

 I think all of us TeachingAuthors have had at least one post on the topic of "show don't tell." It is the flaw I find most often in my students' writing. It's also the hardest to explain. When we relate a story orally, 99% of the time we are telling. We talk about a series of events, heavy on the action, light on the emotion, and almost always leaving out the thought process that led to the action.

Today's post is not so much an exercise as a way to brainstorm your way from "telling to showing" with the aid of my new favorite writing tool, The Emotion Thesaurus:A Writer's Guide to Character Expression by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi (CreateSpace Independent Publishing
Platform, 2012). The book is a listing of every possible emotion with a list of physical manifestations of the emotion, mental responses and other more subtle aspects of the emotion.  I have found what I have long needed, a blueprint for brainstorming "show don't tell."

When I am critiquing, I get a lot sentences like "Carol was mad. She burst into tears." But is Carol really mad?  Maybe she is frustrated. Or depressed.  Or hurt. Any of these emotions could cause tears. Mad is one of those "deadweight" words that just doesn't tell you a whole lot. Let's get specific, shall we?  Let's decide that Carol is hurt. Someone has said something nasty to her.  How can we show that Carol is hurt?

I have a pet peeve about crying in writing.  Once or twice a book is all I will allow myself. That includes all forms of sobbing, wailing, sniffling, crying, blubbering, etc. I have read stories where someone is doing one of the above every other page. A little bit of tears goes a long way. By the time you get to the third time someone is crying, it loses its impact. Your reader will either become annoyed or worse, find it funny. Not the effect you want.

So back to poor, hurt Carol. How would you act if your feelings were hurt.  Would your eyes water? (Not tear up...water)?  Might your throat grow tight? Bite your lips, stutter a reply, leave the room to keep from saying something you'll regret?

What should my body language look like? I could exit the room with my head held high (to put a good face on the situation). Once out of sight,, my shoulder should droop, my head hang, I might slump against a wall, or drop into a chair.

Anyone who has ever had one of my critiques is familiar with the words "What is he/she thinking/feeling?" We need to get inside Carol's head for the scene to have the final emotional impact. What is going on in her head? I'll bet she's wondering "Gee what did I do to cause that to happen?  What did I ever do to her?" Depending on how hurt she is, maybe she feels that her heart is actually breaking. Maybe she is so taken aback she feels stunned. Perhaps she feels that time has stopped. Or that she is moving in slow motion.

Of course you wouldn't use all of these details. Think about Carol, and choose a few that you think fit how you know apply to Carol. (After all, Carol is your invention. Let's try it, shall we?

     Carol could not believe what Mr. Ellis had said. With her head held high, and impeccable posture, she turned on her heel, and left the room, her heels clicking across the linoleum. Once in the hallway, she threw herself against the ladies' room door, and lurched inside. She slumped over the sink, splaying her face with cold water to keep the tears at bay and force the lump in her throat to dissolve.  What did I do to Mr. Ellis? she wondered.  He has always liked my work. I've always been a good employee.

    Then she knew. Jennifer. Jennifer in human resources. Carol and Jennifer had never really gotten along.   Jennifer must have said something  about her work to Mr. Ellis.  But what?  What did Jennifer say?

OK, so this isn't Tolstoy, but you have to admit it says a lot more than "Carol was mad. She burst into tears."

I am not telling everyone to run  right out and buy The Emotion Thesaurus but I certainly recommend giving it a look. It will give you a new perspective on "show, don't tell."

     Don't forget to enter our current giveaway for a copy of Nancy Cavanaugh's debut middle grade novel This Journal Belongs to Ratchet (Sourcebooks/Jabberwocky). See Esther's student success story for details.

Posted by Mary Ann Rodman 

Thumbs Up for Writing It Right!

All of my writing personas – the Author, Teacher and Writing Coach in me - offer an enthusiastic Thumbs Up! for Sandy Asher’s Writing It Right! (Writer’s Institute Publications, 2009).
The book’s subtitle says it all: “How Successful Children’s Authors Revise and Sell Their Stories.”

Asher could have simply told us how, as do many writers, teachers and editors.

Instead, this teacher, editor, playwright, and author wisely chose to show us how, via the generously-shared manuscript drafts of published books and stories, so we could literally and figuratively see for ourselves how the requisite process of revision works.

“Come join writers at work,” Asher writes in her book’s Introduction, “professional, published authors in the process of making choices, taking wrong turns, pursuing false starts, backtracking, regrouping, rethinking, re-envisioning, and revising. Again and again. And again.”
And, she reminds us, “Please leave behind all notions that writing fiction is quick and easy, and that writing for young readers is the cushiest job of all.”

Asher thoughtfully organizes her book by formats and audience:
(1) picture books;
(2) short stories;
(3) books for young readers – i.e. easy-to-reads and early chapter books; and
(4) books for older readers – i.e. middle grade and young adult fiction.

Respective representative titles include Kate McMullan's I Stink!, Judy Cox's Highlights story "Becca, the Nutcracker Mouse," Johanna Hurwitz’s A Llama in the Family and Brenda Ferber’s Julia’s Kitchen.
Asher grounds each title with a relevant overview, livens the presentation with author comments and concludes each section with a relevant editor and/or agent interview.
Her Nine Essential Story Questions that guide each manuscript’s crafting beg to be borrowed, applied and re-used.
Elements of Narrative. Language use. Reader considerations. Final line-edits.
Re-visioning a manuscript is all-encompassing.

“Revision,” Asher writes. “Love it or hate it, if you want to write for publication, it’s going to be a fact of your life.”
Reading and studying all twenty-one manuscripts not only guarantees an instant “I-get-it-now!” response; it’s certain to return us to our own work, buoyed and smarter.

Esther Hershenhorn
P.S.
I learned of Writing it Right! while Sandy Asher was gathering writers' manuscripts for her text; the Teaching Author in me requested a review copy, then counted down the days 'til its publication.

1) Take a deep cleansing breath. 2) Set a goal. 3) Enter our contest!

One-half of knowing what you want
is knowing what you must give up before you get it.
~ playwright Sidney Howard
(he adapted Gone With The Wind for the screen)

Envision what you want your life to look like.
Then ask yourself, “What do I have to become to manifest this vision?”
~ Rev. Michael Beckwith (paraphrased)

Dear Readers,

Huzzah, huzzah--it's nearly fall and a new Teaching Authors CONTEST has begun!

New Year At The Pier—A Rosh Hashanah Story by April Halprin Wayland, illustrated by award-winning Canadian Stéphane Jorisch, is so delicious, we want you to have a chance to win an autographed copy!

Here’s lots of juicy stuff about the book, here's the 1:16 minute book trailer and here’s a summary of the book, which got a starred review in Publishers Weekly:

Izzy’s favorite part of Rosh Hashanah is Tashlich, a joyous ceremony in which people apologize for the mistakes they made in the previous year and thus clean the slate as the new year begins. But there is one mistake on Izzy’s “I’m sorry” list that he’s finding especially hard to say out loud. Humor, touching moments between family and friends, and information about the Jewish New Year are all combined in this lovely picture book for holiday sharing.

So...how can you win your very own autographed copy?

Simple. Since the book is about the new year...do you have a new school year goal? Great! Then post one reading, writing or teaching goal you'd like to accomplish by December 31, 2009 in 25 words or less.

Here are some sample goals to get you thinkin':

Do you want your student(s) to understand the concept of Show, Don’t Tell?

Do you want the courage to delete all of your emails so that the clutter isn't keeping you from writing the next Charlotte's Web?

Do you want to set aside 30 uninterrupted minutes to read for pleasure each day?

Do you want to send out a manuscript by Halloween?

What is that one goal for this bright and shiny new school year?

Be specific. Here’s the place to ‘fess up!

Win-an-autographed-copy-of-New-Year-at-the-Pier CONTEST rules:
1) Read the two quotes at the top.
2) Take a deep breath.
3) Post ONE reading, writing or teaching goal for the new school year in 25 words or less.
4) Your goal must be posted on one of the Teaching Authors blog posts between Friday, August 28, 2009 and Monday, September 7, 2009.
5) You must include your email address in your post so that we can contact the lucky winner.
Here are our general giveaway rules.

The winner will be announced Tuesday, September 8, 2009.

We expect to hear back from you in the first two weeks of January—every one of you. If you don't win this time, you'll have another chance in January when you report on your progress. How did you do? Who or what helped you? Who or what hindered you?

Coming next week: more on New Year at the Pier!

And finally, because it's Poetry Friday...and to REALLY confuse you now that you're thinking about goals...I leave you with a beautiful completely contrary anti-goals poem by my wonderful friend, poet and author
George Ella Lyon:

First homework, then housework, now soulwork.

No list, no checking off, no done.

~ George Ella Lyon

image of girl with a goal by April Halprin Wayland

Show Don't Tell: Pastrami, Aunt Cissy and Pineapple-Banana Smoothies

Happy Poetry Friday!

This is the third in our series featuring back-to-school Writing Workouts especially for teachers and homeschoolers and anyone who wants to ramp up his or her writing skills.

Today the poem comes first. Why? Because I want to show you something.

What's more fun--when a friend tells you that her drippy coleslaw and pastrami sandwich is delicious? Or when she pushes the plate towards you and lets you take one big, messy bite?

I vote for a big bite myself. A writer can give you a real taste of it, too. She can if she doesn't say something boring like, "Boy, that sandwich was good!" She's got to show it in word pictures: "I took a bite of the sweet coleslaw mixed with the salty-tangy pastrami, then licked each of my fingers so not one molecule of the juice got away."

This is called Show, Don't Tell.

My aunt died this week. I could tell you how I feel. But let me show you instead:

THIS EMPTY SPACE

by April Halprin Wayland

This empty space

used to be full

of Aunt Cissy.

Aunt Cissy’s great glup of a hug—tight, tight.

Her bright eyes for me, just me.

Her big laugh.

Her foaming

pineapple-banana smoothies…

in real soda fountain glasses.

Her perfume—no, her flavor.

I swear she was born

with Tabu in her pores.

Cissy in the summer

glossy with sun.

Cissy painting the ocean.

Cissy talking to Uncle Art after he died,

happy to have him over her shoulder.

Cissy laughing.

Cissy fixing our toilet,

patching the hole near the stove,

mending the satin trim of my blue blanket.

My heart

is folded in half.

My stomach

is a hard dark pellet.

My arms

don’t want to lift up.

My legs

walk slow.

This empty space

used to be

so full.

© April Halprin Wayland

Did I call her my beloved aunt, use the word sad, or say that I was weeping?

Show don’t tell is a way of inviting your reader to sit next to you on the bench as you cry, while tears run down her cheeks, too.

Show don’t tell, besides lighting up your writing, also implies great respect for your reader. In effect you’re saying, “I know you’re smart and that I don’t have to pound you over the head to tell you I'm sad—I know you will understand it viscerally.”

Writing Workout/Lesson Plan—Show, Don’t Tell
For ages 7 through adult (or younger, with individual help.)

Objective: This lesson teaches beginning writers how to make their storytelling more three dimensional and how to generate empathy in their readers. Best taught early and often.

Instructions:

1) Recruit three students and quietly assign each student one of the vignettes below. Ask each one in turn to pantomime their character and action without any sounds or words, so that the rest of the class can correctly guess who they are and what they are doing.

A) A very old person trying to cross a busy street.

B) A child who is furious because he or she can’t have a toy.

C) A dog who has peed on the carpet or chewed up something…and whose owner has just come home.

2) Once the class has guessed all three, ask, “What do you suppose an author means when she says to ‘show your reader, don't tell your reader’”?

During the ensuing discussion, give the following examples:

"The boy was nervous" is plain. "Sweat trickled down the boy's face. His stomach tightened into a hard knot." (from Keeper Of The Swamp by Ann Garrett) is much more interesting.

"She is old." Is ordinary. "She is hunched over, crunched up, bent, like an empty soda can" (from Girl Coming In For A Landing—my novel in poems) is more interesting.

"She was sad" is boring. "…a misty grayness crept inside her and would not go away." (from Loud Emily, by Alexis O'Neill) is infinitely more interesting!

The authors above don’t tell the reader what the character is feeling or how they look. They show it.

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3) At the board, ask the whole class to help you rewrite the following examples from telling to showing:

~ Grandma was angry.

~ Emma was tired.

~ The dog was happy.

4) Now have each student write a scene—less than a page—which shows how a character feels.

5) When they are done, ask for volunteers to share their examples. Discuss wildly--enthusiastically! Open all the windows! Jump on your desk!

6) Extra credit: Come in with examples of show, don't tell from the internet, books, TV or magazines.

7) And always, always write with joy!

images:

sandwich: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3044/2876235095_8f43417997.jpg,

dancer: April Halprin Wayland